my single heart.

by alittlelove

Yesterday I said I was going to be a nun.
That didn’t work.
So today I said I was going to be a nun.
Maybe it will work today.
I have trouble with flirting…or so they tell me.  That is why I bring up the whole nunnery thing.

Nun=can’t flirt.

I think this thought process is suicide though. Well..when it comes to me.
I play pretend too much.

why is it so hard for me to want to be single?
what am i doing wrong?
this feels so forced all the time.
why can’t i just love God.’

I lay in bed thinking about what I should do..what I should say.  Why always this fight with singleness.
I think that is just it..I’ve been focusing on the fight and not on Christ.  My focus has been in the wrong area.

Call me stupid.  But the train just picked me up.

My everything should be poured into my relationship with the Father.  I don’t want to pine away for a husband.  Yes, I want to get married with all my heart, but right now(although I should be preparing for things like marriage and having a family) that should not be my focus.  Jesus, and Jesus only should be my focus.

I kept thinking,
‘i need to go into ministry.  like really THROW my entire self into ministry.’

Which I am already in ministry..but I think I need more.  I feel like I am meant for more.
My life is my ministry.  I want my daily life to revolve around Jesus…COMPLETELY.
I feel like I need to jump from this plane called ‘security’ into the ocean called ‘ministry’.

So I’m going to.
My singleness will not be wasted.
It will be used up to the fullest extent.
I don’t know how many days, how many years I have left.
I want to use them for Jesus though.
Full and Reckless abandon for my Yahweh.

That is my heart.